America is in trouble. Serious trouble.
And Donald Trump is responsible because if he gets elected president, the celebrity class is threatening to leave this great country of ours, and then where will we be? How can we live without the weekly antics of Miley Cyrus or another nude selfie of Kim Kardashian or solving the mystery of whether Jay Z allegedly cheated on Beyoncé with Rachel Roy or Rachel Ray? How can we make America great again with no celebrities?
This is a matter of national security, and the Obama Administration should stop fretting about North Korea’s nuclear missile program and start developing a plan to avert a true crisis – the celebrity emigration. And why aren’t those investigative reporters at the New York Times, the Boston Globe and the National Enquirer exposing this threat?
In America, we’re willing to lose the working class — just look at the jobless statistics and stagnant wages — but we can’t afford to lose the celebrity class because it’s the only claim to greatness the United States has left besides Apple products manufactured in China.
If The Donald gets elected, it will lead to one of the greatest emigrations in the history of emigration, more tumultuous than when our ancestors crossed the Bering Strait 15,000 years ago to arrive on the Jersey Shore or when 30 million Europeans came here a century ago, looking for affordable healthcare and fast food.
Most politicians would rather hobnob with Hollywood hotshots than with the people at Wal-Mart anyway. Politicians and celebrities are a natural partnership, as close as Hillary Clinton and Ellen DeGeneres or Bernie Sanders and Susan Sarandon.
In the interests of full disclosure, I confess I have no political affiliations. I’ve reached the cynical age when you realize that regardless of who is elected, things will only get worse. Look at the last 25 years. The middle class keeps shrinking, and the poor keep getting poorer.
The only thing that’s increasing is the number of celebrities. Nowadays, with social media, Instagram, selfies and reality TV, anyone can be a celebrity even though many of them are unemployed. In fact, the celebrity population is growing faster than the GDP. According to my calculations, there are now at least four Chers, which may be the result of celebrity cloning. Plus, over the past 40 years, the number of Elvises keeps increasing. There are sightings everywhere, and he’s being spotted more than when he was alive.
The last time celebrities threatened to leave America was when George W. Bush got elected. Alec Baldwin allegedly said he was packing his bags for Iceland or Swaziland, or wherever he was threatening to go, along with Barbra Streisand and Robert Altman. None left. They just wanted to scare us.
The irony is that millions of would-be immigrants are trying to get into America from countries like Syria and Mexico, so maybe we should let them in and ship the celebrities off to China and Saudi Arabia.
That, however, would have dire economic consequences. For example, the supermarket tabloid industry will crash, and then we’ll have nothing to do in the checkout line except eat candy. And if Kim and Kanye moved to China, where the Kardashian clothing line is manufactured, whose face will they plaster on magazine covers? Ted Cruz’s? Vladimir Putin’s? Ronald McDonald’s?
Every time a celebrity threatens to leave, I reach for my rosary. What would we do without Oprah, Lena Dunham, Miley Cyrus, Rosie O’Donnell and Jon Stewart — along with hundreds of other celebrities you’ve never heard of?
Without celebrities, we’ll have no national role models. When you consider the enormous popularity of the Katy Perry, Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift, you realize these people could lead a revolution by the mere force of their Twitter accounts. Combined, these three, alone, have some 246 million “followers.” (That’s such an appropriate word to describe what’s happening in America, which was once known for its “rugged individualists.”)
The celebrity class got together recently in yet another display of unity at the Metropolitan Museum of Art gala, orchestrated by fashion doyenne Anna Wintour, the editor-in-chief of Vogue, who herself has so much power and influence she could take over the Department of Homeland Security.
America has a good thing going. Let’s not mess it up. A vote for Donald could mean fewer celebrities. Vote for Kanye instead.
Contact Joe Pisani at email@example.com.