We have something to rejoice about, and I’m not referring to the upcoming economic revival. I’m referring to the recently discovered planets that lie within our reach to colonize, a mere 40 light years away, give or take a light year.
Seven planets have been found that are habitable for us earthlings, and they’re orbiting a star named Trappist-1, known throughout the universe for its jams, jellies and Gregorian chant.
Of the seven, which are the size of Earth, three definitely have the ingredients that we humans require to live — air, water and easy credit – and they’re situated in the so-called “Goldilocks Zone,” which is not too hot and not too cold, but just right.
Thomas Zurbuchen of NASA said, “The discovery gives us a hint that finding a second Earth is not just a matter of if, but when.” He called this “a major step forward” in determining whether there’s life on other planets and whether this life follows the Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees.
Think about the possibilities. Now, there are enough planets for all of us to live the way we want, regardless of political opinions and religious beliefs or lack thereof. Now, we have an opportunity to live in peace and harmony with people JUST LIKE US, people we can get along with, rather than people we want to strangle because they’re obnoxious.
Don’t get along with your ex-husband because he’s a good-for-nothing? Is your mother-in-law a relentless meddler? What about your lazy coworkers? And what about freeloading kids? Everyone knows they can drive you insane and bankrupt at the same time. This scientific discovery means the people who annoy us can be shipped off to their very own planet with people of their very own kind.
In this new world, Michael Moore will never have to see Rush Limbaugh or Bill O’Reilly again. And every person, party, faction and lunatic will be free to do as they please. For example, the governors of Connecticut and New York will be able to tax with impunity the people who enjoy paying taxes, while governors from North Carolina and New Hampshire can keep cutting taxes until there’s nothing left to cut.
This discovery couldn’t have come at a better time, and it offers the perfect solution to our social unrest, not to mention the high price of real estate in Manhattan and Los Angeles. Since the Chinese virtually own Manhattan, they’re probably looking for new investments.
Even though we talk a lot about the benefits of diversity, we don’t really practice it. As a species, we can’t get along, but now we don’t even have to try. So rev up the space ships and let’s get outta Dodge before the bullets start flying! Let’s get Elon Musk of SpaceX to develop a Tesla version of an intergalactic Uber shuttle that can take us 40 light years to a new world we can pollute the way we polluted our own planet.
I suspect the space race will resume where it left off, back in ancient history when we had tax dollars to spend on space exploration before Social Security, Medicare and healthcare virtually bankrupted our country.
You can bet the Russians and the Chinese will be launching space vessels in no time, followed shortly thereafter by North Korea, whose ship will make it as far as Jersey City or maybe the Bronx. Countries will be rushing to stake their claims.
There will be something for everyone. We can designate a planet for retirees with affordable care, pickle ball courts, and productions of Fiddler on the Roof and Annie. The Millennials can claim their own piece of the sky with space suits designed by Kanye West and elevator music by Beyonce.
However, some questions must be answered before we board rocket ships piloted by Captain James T. Kirk and Han Solo:
- Will Planet Pizza open franchises on all seven planets? What about Planet Fitness?
- Is there high-speed Internet? Are the rates affordable?
- Will they worship Taylor Swift there?
- Will I be able to watch reruns of “Dancing With the Stars”?
- And most importantly, will my 401(k) be fully vested?
Who would have thought that just when civilization is on the verge of collapse and we’re confronting Armageddon, a discovery of this magnitude could breathe new hope into our world. So in the memorable words of Dr. Spock, “Live long and prosper and pass the Patron.”
Contact Joe Pisani at firstname.lastname@example.org.