I recently read a scientific theory that explains a lot about our world, where we came from and where we’re headed.
The headline said: “Aliens could have existed in our solar system long before us,” and the story appeared in a reputable scientific journal, the Sun tabloid of London — a publication known for its definitive selection of photos of scantily clad celebrities and super-models, some of whom resemble aliens. After all, the outfits Lady Gaga wears could have been designed for the bar scene in Star Wars.
This article had more substance than sensational stories you often see, such as “My dog communicates telepathically with Jim Morrison from beyond the grave” or “My cat announces her candidacy for governor of Connecticut.”
It was based on speculation by a “top scientist,” astronomer James T. Wright from Pennsylvania State University, who wrote an academic paper on “prior indigenous technological species,” which advances the claim that our solar system was once home for “an extinct species of space-faring aliens,” who were like Charles Kuralt in their day, except they probably had antennae.
It’s hard to believe aliens walked the same streets we do — Fifth Avenue, Hollywood Boulevard and Venice Beach Boardwalk. But this explains a lot about how we got to where we are today. It explains phenomena like Kim Jong-Un, his father Papi Jong-Un, Cher and the Kardashians.
Wright previously received international attention when he claimed an “alien megastructure” is orbiting a distant star. I’m not sure what that megastructure is, but I have a hunch it’s something like Trump Tower for creatures from outer space.
Any traces the aliens left behind on Earth are probably buried beneath midtown Manhattan or being used by Dolce & Gabbana to create the creepy gowns that celebrities wear at the Metropolitan Museum gala.
Even though Wright believes aliens may have lived here, he says evidence will be difficult to find because so many years have passed. You see, all this purportedly occurred before dinosaurs roamed the Earth, in a primitive age when all that existed was McDonald’s and Starbucks.
He says the existence of intelligent life on Earth is linked to aliens; however, I would dispute his logic because I’m still not convinced there’s intelligent life on Earth. Have you read the news lately or seen some of the Connecticut General Assembly’s ideas for solving the state’s budget crisis? Have you watched the Jerry Springer show? Or The Jersey Shore? Or Real Housewives of New York? Have you ever read the New York Post? I’m convinced it’s a newspaper by, about and for aliens … and I read it regularly.
All this is proof of the evolutionary theory known as “survival of the unfittest.”
Other scientists claim there is evidence that aliens visited us in places like Stonehenge, the Bermuda Triangle, Hollywood, and the White House. I also have the eerie feeling that descendants of these aliens live among us.
Take a stroll around New York City and you’ll see what I mean. Young women prowl the streets with a vacuous look in their eyes like super models Gigi Hadid and Kylie Jenner. At first I thought they were robots, but now I’m not so sure. And all those Millennial financial hotshots who race around staring at their cell phones may actually be receiving directions from a distant planet (“Buy, sell, buy again”) so aliens can take control of Corporate America from the Chinese.
I don’t have a degree in astronomy, but to prove my theory, all we have to do is pay $50 and send their names to one of those services that tracks genealogy. The results will astound us. Being a descendant of the Pilgrim Fathers and coming over on the Mayflower can’t compare to this.
Wouldn’t you love to impress your coworkers and friends at a cocktail party by telling them your ancestors arrived on these shores in a space ship circa 2,000,000,000 BC and landed at Times Square?
Furthermore, in the interests of national security, we should all be required by law to sign up for the DNA ancestry, so we can learn whether our ancestors came from another planet. Extraterrestrial immigration is an issue Congress will have to take up after it solves Russian hacking.
Speaking of which, aliens are probably already tapping our phone conversations, spying on us through our microwaves and stealing our Social Security numbers and our credit card information. I tried to tell my wife that the very large Visa bill for an Orvis fly rod was made by aliens. But she didn’t believe me, so I called the White House.
You may contact Joe Pisani at firstname.lastname@example.org