Did you hear about the gang of Billy goats that went on a rampage and broke into a Colorado business, terrorizing the place like crazed vandals … and then vanishing into the night.
Is there no civility in the animal kingdom? It’s getting like the WWE. Why would anyone — animal, vegetable or mineral — do something like that? When I saw the videotape captured by security cameras, two thoughts came to mind: The goats have been watching too much TV coverage of the popular American pastime known as violent political protesting. Or, being residents of Colorado where recreational marijuana is legal, they’ve been chewing on evil weed and decided to cut loose.
Is this what the future holds for us now that Connecticut is in fiscal free-fall and our elected officials are looking to legalize recreational marijuana so they can have an endless stream of tax revenue to solve a budget crisis that’s more persistent than a bad case of eczema? Pretty soon we’ll be reading about goats rampaging through the streets of a bankrupt Hartford and breaking down the doors of the state Capitol building.
What will happen to our family pets? Parakeets will fly into refrigerators, goldfish will jump out of their aquariums and cats will screech at the moon. If pigeons start smoking weed, America’s cities will be under an attack worse than Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds.”
According to the Associated Press, employees at Argonics Inc., a polyurethane manufacturer north of Denver, arrived at work on Monday morning and discovered the glass on the front doors had been shattered. The president immediately called the cops to report the vandalism.
When the police arrived, they promptly examined the surveillance video, which showed a band of goats running wild while one was butting his head into the glass. For some 20 minutes, he hit the door with his horns, until it shattered. Then, he left but returned shortly afterward to break the other door. If that wasn’t bad enough, the marauders pooped all over the place. Let’s hope these goats don’t start doing home invasions or we’ll be in big trouble.
As of press time, the vandal goats were still on the loose somewhere outside of Denver, probably holed up in a mountain hideaway smoking dope and laying out plans with Sean Spicer to attack the White House and butt heads with Secret Service agents.
Goats seem to be causing problems all across this great land of ours. In Michigan, a band of goats locked horns with a workers’ union at Western Michigan University. The school had hired the animals from a company called Munchers on Hooves to clear 14 acres of woodlands. However, the union filed a grievance that claimed the goats were taking away work that should have gone to union members.
One official said the goats had the advantage because they can consume 3 to 5 pounds of vegetation a day and create organic fertilizer, also known as poop. And no union member could match that skill set. Maybe the solution is for the goats to join the American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees and get paid union wages.
In another unsettling development, a Philadelphia neighborhood was recently attacked by thousands of cockroaches that came up the manholes and swarmed through the streets. The roaches were so thick that residents couldn’t see the sidewalks. What’s the world coming to when city streets aren’t safe anymore and we have to worry about insects and animals threatening our safety … or taking our jobs?
There’s some good news out there, though. Perhaps you saw the story about the dog that jumped into Long Island Sound to rescue a fawn that was drowning. Mark Freeley was walking his English golden retriever named Storm along the shore in Port Jefferson, N.Y., when the dog broke free and jumped into the water. He swam out to the deer and “grabbed it by the neck and started swimming to shore,” Mark recalled.
Then, he lay down next to the fawn, but it got up and ran back into the water. When animal control arrived, they brought it to a rescue center in Port Jefferson. To my thinking, this proves that animals aren’t a threat to civilized society … although I suspect Homeland Security has begun monitoring all goats across the nation … in violation of their constitutional rights.
You may contact Joe Pisani at firstname.lastname@example.org