Thirty years ago, back when we trusted our government, the media, our healthcare system, our legal system, our elected officials and Ronald McDonald, I met a man with a frightening vision of America’s future.
He was the type of fellow who had conspiracy theories about everything from the Kennedy assassination to the secret ingredients in Kentucky Fried Chicken. He also believed aliens were watching us, and working part time for the IRS. For that matter, he could have been abducted by aliens or actually been an alien, which is possible if you ever saw “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.”
During my years as a journalist, I often got into crazy conversations with crazy people, some of whom were convinced they were reincarnations of Napoleon or Elvis. I found them intriguing — especially after too much Budweiser — but eventually, I’d inch my way toward the door before I could be abducted or reincarnated.
This guy said the government had a plan to implant computer chips in Americans to control us, like Spock did with Vulcan Mind Control. Once we got the chip, we’d be transformed into human robots under the sinister influence of Big Brother or Big Sister or whichever Bigshot was exercising world dominion.
As I left the bar, he issued a grim warning: “Don’t take the chip!”
I was a reasonable man or at least tried to be, so his theory seemed about as plausible as cloning humans or the returns Bernie Madoff promised his investors. At the time, I never believed Planet Earth could be controlled by a One World Order although now I’m convinced Apple, Amazon or Google could take over tomorrow.
Over the years I’ve watched his prophecy unfold. Dogs and cats of America were the first to take the chip because they have no rights under the Constitution. Now, people are casting aside privacy concerns and lining up for implants with the enthusiasm of teenagers buying scalped tickets to a Katy Perry concert. This trend must make Big Brother, George Soros, Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg — or whichever Wizard is behind the curtain — very happy.
Some people WANT to take the chip because they think it will improve their lives and transform them into super-humans. They won’t have to worry about stolen credit cards or identity theft because everything they need will be at their fingertips — literally. A microchip about the size of a grain of sand is implanted in your finger, which can then be scanned for personal information.
Sweden, a country known for inventing new and exciting things like IKEA and Swedish Fish, has been implanting microchips for three years. Some 3,000 Swedes have them as part of a program endorsed by the national railroad. They no longer have to buy paper train tickets because the conductor can scan their fingers. It’s like having E-ZPass in the palm of your hand. (When Metro-North hears this, commuters will be lining up in Grand Central to get the chip inserted into the body part of their choice.)
Recently, a Wisconsin technology company named Three Square Market began offering microchip implants to employees so they won’t have to swipe security badges or use cash in the cafeteria, which leads me to believe this may be something the State of Connecticut’s tax collectors should explore so they can have access to our savings.
Eventually, they’ll use microchips to monitor our whereabouts. Suppose you’re the company slacker and Big Bossman discovers you spend 2 hours in the men’s room stall every day. You’d probably be fired even though it would be a violation of your rights, because I’m sure the Constitution says somewhere that we’re entitled to as much time as necessary in the can. And if it doesn’t say that, we need a constitutional amendment ASAP.
The chip will also start your car and open your garage, and you’ll never have to worry about losing your keys. The downside is you won’t be able to take away the credit card if your spouse has a spending problem.
I predict microchip implants will become more popular than butt implants once the Kardashians get them. But when you see a QVC infomercial offering a family discount, never forget this warning: “Don’t take the chip!”
You may contact Joe Pisani at email@example.com