Did I Say That? The end of polite society

One of my neighbors has been letting his dog poop in front of my mailbox, and I lie awake at night obsessing about it because I can’t catch him. Or her. All I know is it must be a very large dog.

I can see his business from my second-floor bedroom window … without my binoculars. And since the mailman drove over it, we’re facing a toxic waste crisis, which terrifies me when I get the mail. Two rainstorms and one blizzard later, and it’s still there.

You’d think something like that would deter unwanted visitors, but it seems to attract them because last week, everyone from a cable TV salesman to a team of evangelists rang the doorbell.

Even worse, every dog in the neighborhood — and from nearby neighborhoods, I suspect — suddenly loves our home. They’re pausing by the mailbox and sniffing around like they’re looking for bargains at Petco. Some of them are contributing to the problem because dogs, I’ve discovered, like to outdo each other.

I’m generally a peaceful, tolerant, soft-spoken man, but the other day I yelled at a guy who was letting his dog squat near my driveway, and he sheepishly replied, “But she’s only peeing.” Then I felt guilty. What’s America coming to if a dog can’t pee on the street? That’s something humans do all the time in New York. Besides, I let our dog pee all over the place — except in front of our house. But when she does her business, I pick it up, which isn’t a pleasant chore.

We all want to live in a civil society, but I fear there’s a crisis on the horizon. Pretty soon Republicans will be letting their dogs poop in front of Democrats’ homes and vice versa. Then, the rich and the poor will resort to retribution through their household pets, if you get my drift. Our dogs will become pawns in class warfare. Even finalists in the Westminster Dog Show will turn to anarchy and it won’t be a pretty sight. No more Mister Nice Dog.

Some dog owners have no concern for others. They’re usually the ones who turn right on red when they’re not supposed to. They have that criminal mentality and believe their individual freedoms trump (or Trump?) the rights of others.

The dog poop crisis is symptomatic of a larger problem — the collapse of society, not to mention Western Civilization, and Eastern, too. In past years, this problem reached epidemic proportions in such enlightened places as New York City, and now it has spread to the suburbs. Our neighborhood streets aren’t safe. They look like a dog park. You can’t walk outside at night because there are land mines everywhere.

This situation has turned me into a vigilante. I sit by the window and watch and wait. What has life in America come to when you have to keep surveillance behind the curtains? I’m no J. Edgar Hoover, although I’m headed in that direction. I even adjusted the sensor on our spotlight so it will shine on someone skulking by in the dark. Every time our dog barks, I rush to see what’s going on, but it’s usually a wild turkey, a squirrel or the UPS man. I also went to Home Depot to buy some Havahart repellent, which I sprinkled around the mailbox and up and down the street.

The big question is what I’m going to do when I catch him … or her. Report him to the police? Share her identity with the American Kennel Club? Bribe them? Threaten legal action? Try to reason with the dog if the owner ignores me?

Last week, I sent an email to members of our Neighborhood Watch and asked for their support. I suggested we form a posse, a sort of poop brigade, but no one responded to my plea. Aren’t these people civic-minded? We need to make our streets safe again and end this health scourge. We need to take photos of the miscreants and put them on social media so the world knows who they are.

I say live and let live, but pick up after your dog. If an appeal to reason doesn’t work, I’m putting on a hoodie and going out after dark with my dog to terrorize this community and teach them a lesson they’ll never forget … and always remember.