Did I Say That? Horoscopes and diet trends

I’m beginning to think I can trust my horoscope more than I can trust science, especially after reading a study that said people who eat red meat and cheese will live longer than the average schmuck who has his cholesterol checked every six months and eats only bran and kale with apple slices for dessert.

Researchers at McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario, found that red meat and dairy lovers are likely to live longer than other people, although they said nothing about Jack Daniels lovers. Those who had three portions of dairy and 120 grams of unprocessed red meat every day saw the most benefits.

The good news is this study wasn’t paid for by American taxpayers. Pity the poor Canadian taxpayer. Actually, it may have been funded by George Soros in collaboration with the Canadian Bacon & Cheddar Cheese Manufacturers Association (otherwise known as CBCCMA).

The results were presented at the European Society of Cardiology conference in Munich, Germany, where the news was met with wild enthusiasm typical of red meat lovers. Now, the Germans plan to conduct their own longevity research on the benefits of a diet of bratwurst, knockwurst and liverwurst with Swiss cheese, washed down by a few steins of Heineken.

Experts predict the German economy could grow five percentage points and save the entire European Union if the masses start eating more cheese and red meat. Plus, cardiologists would see a significant uptick in business.

“Our findings on full-fat dairy and unprocessed red meat challenge conventional thinking,” professor of nutrition and epidemiology Andrew Mente told his colleagues at the conference.

Here’s the really good news: People who scarfed down the most red meat and dairy had the possibility of early death drop by 25% and of fatal heart attacks decrease by 22%. Stay out of my way! I’m headed for the Texas Steak House, and on the way back, I’ll stop at Outback and then place an order with Omaha Steaks.

I forgot what red meat tastes like. My doctor makes me wear a locator bracelet that tracks my comings and goings, which means to say I stay away from places like Sparks Steak House and the street vendor at Park and 48th, who sells Nathan’s hot dogs.

Professor Mente said, “Relative to carbs, I would say that saturated fat is beneficial —it’s pretty clear from this data.”

Now, saturated fat is good for you and carbohydrates are bad. Our thinking on this topic is revised every six months with each new study. It reminds me of a story I once read in a supermarket tabloid that said “Woman on Candy Diet Loses 75 Pounds!” That particular diet advocated a regular intake of M&Ms, Skittles and Milk Duds. You lost weight but rotted your teeth.

“Our results show that dairy products and meat are beneficial for heart health and longevity,” said Dr. Salim Yusuf, who teaches cardiovascular disease at the McMaster Medical School. “This differs from current dietary advice.”

Well, bring on the burrata and bring it on in bulk! I’m going to tell me doctor and my wife the good news and see if I can come off my cholesterol medicine and go on a diet of sirloin steaks, blue cheese and pepperoni pizza.

Any doubts I may have had were dispelled when I saw another report that said, “No evidence high cholesterol causes heart disease” published in the Expert Review of Clinical Pharmacology. After reviewing data from more than a million people, researchers concluded that LDL does not cause heart disease. This is in a contradiction to another report by the European Society of Cardiology that said LDL causes heart disease. Flip a coin. Next month, they’ll be pushing the processed sugar/high carbohydrate diet with cigars and Jim Beam for dessert.

If you can’t trust your doctor and medical researchers, who can you trust? Your astrologist! I’ve decided to develop my own program called the Astrological-Reiki-Eat Only Sweets Diet. And before I sit down for a meal, I’ll check to see what my horoscope says I should eat that day. (It keeps saying red meat and Swedish Fish.)

Did you ever get the feeling that you can’t believe everything you read, as my mother used to say. Or did you ever get the feeling that you can’t believe anything you read?