You’ve heard of the city that never sleeps? Well, I live in the house that never sleeps. Never. We’re like a cellblock of insomniacs. You see, insomnia is as contagious as pink eye at a daycare center and mono in a college dormitory. It has caused many husbands and wives to get separate beds, ear …
Experts say that in years to come, everyone will have four or five careers … and each one will pay less than the last one. I recently met a woman who seemed to confirm this prediction. She had been a real estate broker, a PR guru, a chef, a dancer and now she was going …
To my thinking, there’s nothing more rewarding in life than free junk. You know, the stuff sitting by the side of the road or at the dump, just waiting to be picked up and taken home to share with your family members. You come upon it suddenly and unexpectedly, driving down a street in a …
Lawlessness is spreading through the suburbs. Landscapers and homeowners in our troubled land are wielding leaf blowers like weapons of minor destruction, sending grass clippings and debris onto the sidewalks and into the streets. Usually my street. And in three months, these same miscreants will be pushing snow from their driveways into the path of …
Last week, our neighbor gave us a casualty report from the frontlines in the war on woodchucks. He sustained heavy losses in hand-to-hand combat. Peppers, zucchini, cucumbers … all gone. His garden has been leveled. It was a scorched earth assault, and he feared another attack was imminent. These woodchucks are fierce fighters, and lately …
I recently got a letter from my high school, asking for a donation. I was prepared to contribute several million dollars even if I had to ask Donald Trump for a loan … but then I read the sentence “St Joes needs your help.” St Joes? What a curious usage. I would have gladly given …
“HEY YOU, CUTTING THE LAWN! CAN YOU GIVE ME DIRECTIONS TO THE GRAND CANYON?” I think I’m the last person alive who asks for directions. It used to be such a common practice, but now if you pull up to the curb and roll down your window, someone will likely call the cops, especially if …
After 30 years, I finally bought an air conditioner. Thirty years of torment, tossing and turning at night, perspiring and panting. Thirty years of discomfort and pain, trying to devise ways to stay cool, especially when we lived in Florida. OK, maybe I exaggerate. Truth be told, I decided the dog couldn’t live without air …
My granddaughter Lennox had a life-altering experience … at 3-years-old. Things will never be the same for her or her parents. She’s been reborn. Her finicky eating habits are gone, and she eats whatever they put in front of her. At the end of the day, she hops in bed and puts her head on …
I didn’t take physics in high school because I was afraid it would tarnish my academic record and keep me from getting into the college of my choice with the greatest opportunity for partying. Nevertheless, I developed a scientific theory that could qualify me for the Nobel Prize in Physics if not the Nobel Prize …